Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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