As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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