her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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