How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
