I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!