Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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