Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
