Ambien. No doubt about it.
I cannot find my penis.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
