I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
