i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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