yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
