FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
honey bunches of taint.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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