Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
