dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
