then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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