She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
