I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
