WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
