Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
