And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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