What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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