she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Are we still banned from the library?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
