I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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