so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
