I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
