if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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