So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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