I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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