I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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