Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
