my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
