I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
