Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
