defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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