I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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