I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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