Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
