If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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