Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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