She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
