Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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