And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
