It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
