I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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