Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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