I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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