I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
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Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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