dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
