When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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