Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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