I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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