Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
