the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
