If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
