I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
