mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
