Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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