EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
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Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize