insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
