She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
